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Who would have ever imagined seeing “grace” as a common theme on the news? Yet, the words of Erika Kirk have prompted exactly that. Headlines, podcasts, news reports and blogs have reflected on her decision to extend forgiveness to the alleged assassin of her husband, Charlie. “That young man … I forgive him, I forgive him because it was what Christ did, and it’s what Charlie would do.”
She deserved the standing ovation she received because each one of us knows the challenge of forgiveness.
Some people abandon the path of forgiveness because they perceive it to be impossibly steep. So, let’s be realistic about the act. Forgiveness does not pardon, excuse, or ignore the offense. Forgiveness is not necessarily reconciliation. A reestablished relationship with the transgressor is not essential or always even possible. Even more, the phrase “forgive and forget” sets an unreachable standard.
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Forgiveness is simply the act of changing your attitude toward the offender; it’s moving from a desire to harm toward an openness to be at peace. The Bible urges us to be “tenderhearted, forgiving one another” (Eph. 4:32).
Forgiveness is a major step in the direction of a happy heart. When researchers from Duke University listed eight factors that promote emotional stability, four of them related to forgiveness.
1. Avoiding suspicion and resentment.
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2. Not living in the past.
3. Not wasting time and energy fighting conditions that can’t be changed.
4. Refusing to indulge in self-pity when handed a raw deal.
Forgiveness leads to happiness. Interested in more joy? Try these steps.
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Decide what you need to forgive
Get specific. Narrow it down to the identifiable offense. “He was a jerk” does not work. “He promised to leave his work at work and be attentive at home.” There, that’s better.
Ask yourself why it hurts
Why does this offense sting? What about it leaves you wounded? Do you feel betrayed? Ignored? Isolated? Do your best to find the answer, and before you take it out on the offender…
Take it to Jesus
No one will ever love you more than he does. Let this wound be an opportunity to draw near to your Savior. Does this experience and lack of forgiveness hamper your well-being? Does it diminish your peace? If the answer is yes, take steps in the direction of forgiveness. Talk to Jesus about the offense until the anger subsides. And when it returns, talk to Jesus again.
And if it feels safe, at some point…
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Tell your offender
With a clear head and pure motives, file a complaint. Be specific. Not overly dramatic. Simply explain the offense and the way it makes you feel. It might sound something like this: “We agreed to make our home a haven. Yet after dinner you seem to get lost in emails and projects. Consequently, I feel lonely under my own roof.”
If done respectfully and honestly, this is a step toward forgiveness.
Pray for your offender
You cannot force reconciliation, but you can offer intercession. “Pray for those who persecute you” (Matt. 5:44 NIV). Prayer reveals any lingering grudge, and what better place to see it! You are standing before the throne of grace yet finding it difficult to give grace?
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Ask Jesus to help you
In her message, Erika Kirk explained that one motive to forgive is this: Jesus did. Hanging on the cross, he prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” (Lk. 23:34 NIV)
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Jesus left an example and Erika Kirk is choosing to follow it.
Let’s do the same.
Why does this offense sting? What about it leaves you wounded? Do you feel betrayed? Ignored? Isolated? Do your best to find the answer, and before you take it out on the offender…
Dear heavenly Father,
I want to follow the example of Jesus and pray for those who injure me. I want to be like Jesus and be slow to anger. I want to be like Jesus and give grace. Thank you for giving me the ability to choose peace over anger. The path to forgiveness is not an easy one. Thank you for never calling me to do what you haven’t already done.
In the name of your precious Son, amen.
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